Dear shitbag,

[TW: RAPE, SEXUAL ASSAULT]

This is a letter that I just sent to my rapist.

I’ve decided to publish it here, because I am sick of hiding, sick of pretending it never happened, sick of shaming myself, sick of blaming myself, sick of apologizing for feeling, sick of secrets.

And, I realized, the more I hide, and the more afraid I am - the more power it gives him, the more it turns me into a victim, and the more it perpetuates the stigmatization of rape victims.

Writing this, getting this out, made me feel strong.

I really, really hope it helps give me some closure…

So here it is, in all of its glory. Read it or not, I don’t particularly care - I’m just not going to hide or pretend or apologize anymore.

Hello.

Just thought I needed to make some things very, very clear.

The sex that we had was not consensual.

You raped me.

You may not be aware of it, but you did. You raped me.

When I told you no the first time, you should have stopped.
When I told you that I wasn’t comfortable, you should have stopped. When I told you that I was in love with someone else and didn’t want to, you should have stopped.

But you didn’t.

Even later, when I was in pain, grimacing, saying ow, and asking you to stop what you were doing, you should have stopped.

But you didn’t.

My saying no was not a cute ploy, a flirt, or a cue for you to keep trying harder and harder.

It was me saying no.

I want to make this explicitly clear: the only reason I eventually said anything even close to a yes was because it was very apparent that you weren’t going to give up and I wasn’t getting out of your room otherwise.

I did not give consent. You raped me.

Yes, I could’ve tried harder - I could have screamed, bit, punched. I hate myself for not doing so. But I was scared. So scared. And I felt utterly trapped.

Afterwards, I tried to pretend like everything was okay - like, if I could just act like the night was normal, just chilling, then everything would be alright. I think I even kissed you goodnight, which honestly makes me want to vomit.

I was in denial for a long, long time about what happened.
But now I can say it.

You raped me, Adam.

You used me. You hurt me. You ignored me saying no.
I don’t think you will ever understand exactly what you did to me.

It wasn’t just the physical bruises.
Months later, and I am still not okay. I have flashbacks. I’m triggered by completely random things. I am in therapy.

I am so sick of dealing with this shit, making my loved ones deal with this - while you get to go on living your life, feeling good, being completely clueless.

You fucking raped me.

I have not, and I will not, take any legal action. But I never want to see you or hear from you ever again. Your number has been permanently blocked on my phone, and you will be re-blocked on Facebook as soon as I send this.

My purpose in writing this was to make you have to deal with and face what you did, like I have been having to do almost daily.

You are a rapist.

Every time you’re with someone from now on, I want you to think about consent. Make sure that they actually want it. I never want another girl to go through this bullshit because of you.

So there you have it.

I have no idea what you think of what happened in October, but here is the truth:

You raped me. You are a rapist.

Deal with it.

— Devin